Hanging in there.....

I wish I had a picture of a cat hanging on by her little claws cuz that's what I feel like. You guys can all just imagine it and think awwwww in your head. Not that a little bald headed cat would cute. Creepy maybe but not so cute.

Physically I'm feeling better but emotionally having another mental shift. I'm pressuring myself that I have to work, I have to get Anthony ready for college, I have to clean the dang house...... you know all those daily things that don't go away just because you are busy dealing with something else.

I think this week has been a week of adjusting to how people view cancer patients. I think that alot of times it has nothing to do with the actual patient as it is with that particular person's feelings about cancer patients - if you know what I mean. I have been fortunate enough to meet many many people who are as supportive as can be. I really really appreciate that. Truly, Truly.

It's the people who have a problem that sort of throw me for a loop. I at times will put on my cloak of invisibility when I go out so I don't feel self-conscious. You know that mental armor that keeps you walking among the public when you really want to hide out because of that huge pimple on your chin etc. I don't know if my armor is somewhat settled or I'm just too old to give a damn but I actually kind of forget I don't look like my usual self. I was afraid people would look at me and automatically think "cancer" but I think the henna tattoo throws some of them off. But it's the people that act with some hostility towards cancer or act like "don't try to pull a fast one - so what you're going thru chemo - no free card here" that gives me a mental stumble.

If it was something clearly about me that was causing anger I can appreciate that. Not every one will appreciate my gloriousness - it's when the anger obviously has nothing to do with with me per se that I don't necessarily know how to deal with it. I come from a family that does not let you whine about anything. Brush it off you're fine rang freely thru my childhood. That makes me extra sensitive to people accusing me of using cancer/chemo as an excuse for ...... whatever. I don't think I am. At least I'm trying very hard not to. Aaaahhhhh - too much for chemo brain. I'll just keep putzing along. People need to deal with things their own way. I can only deal with my self my own way - if you know what I mean.

Ooops I think one of the claws slipped.............

I'm just not that into....

MYSELF!

There really is nothing worse than a few days of total self absorption when you are feeling physically miserable. Add a dash of insomnia and the pits of hell seem tame.

Okay, maybe I haven't had it that bad but at times I felt like wailing and gnashing my teeth. This round of chemo is a bit more ummmm pronounced than last time. A bit more nausea, a bit more achy body, alot more metallic taste in my mouth. YUCK! Oops and the PMS type mood swings. Good Lord I was crying over a comic. (My father, who is an old softie, did say the comic had a "good story line" and did make him a bit misty.)

I may have over extended myself by going to the Cancer Survivors Game last Saturday. It was so hot and alot of people breathing in and out. I did end up with a slight fever but all seems well now. It is almost like a switch off and on. Yesterday in the morning I was draping myself over every piece of furniture but by the end of the day I had actually finished a few things I had attempted. Yay!

Today I'm going for a follow-up with my surgeon and then make an attempt at going to work. Woohoo. If only I didn't have to sit upright at work I'd probably do much better. It's the upright that gets me.

Oh and the concentration thing. I was all set to show off some goodies I got from Susan but when I put the disc I thought I had saved the pictures to I found only one picture. And that one was of my niece before her prom with my dad. That was a bit ago......

Maybe later I will make another attempt at getting the pictures off my dad's computer. I'm not promising anything. I have to make it to work and back first.......

Henna head

Henna head
Originally uploaded by redworcd

Yay for me! I now have a very pretty head. This is a picture of the paste on. I have to scrape it off tomorrow. I guess then it will be orange and then turn red. (My favorite color!) It should be prime for my next round of chemo on Friday.

I'm so glad I did this. I think it's that taking charge kind of thing. Now if people want to stare at my bald head - I've given them sometihng to stare at! :)

I will update pictures as we go.

If you're looking for henna then I can highly recommend Robin at Henna Rising. I think she did a great job.

That was awfully quick

From this..... (please note pink hair thanks to Tanya)

to this. Yikes. I'm still getting used to it. I figured that made the blurry picture all that much better. Kind of like how I feel about losing my hair. I am suprised at how round my head is and
that my ears don't stick out as much as I thought they would.

Hair Today

Gone tomorrow.....

It started Saturday. Doreen asked me if I noticed it yet and I yanked on it and out came a handful.

Thank God - now I don't have to worry about the other girls beating me up at the "Look Good, Feel Beautiful" class today.

The Latest

I still have hair - it does not seem to be falling out. It is getting on my last nerve! I am however getting mouth sores which is what I really didn't want to have happen. I am gargling away with salt water and it's getting better. Yikes all's I need is to not be able to talk and have a full head of hair! I'm having Sandy cut my hair on Thursday. Might as well see how it would look really short. Tanya wants to put some more pink dye in. I don't know. She kinda gets a gleam in her eye when she mentions it. I'm scared.

I also heard thru the grapevine from Lisa that Susan is plotting some hats. Now I'm really scared! Especially if Lisa and her Mom get involved. Remind me to tell you sometime about Lisa and my Dashboard Jesus..... you'd be scared too.

Let's hope my hair falls out soon. :) I even found someone to put a henna tattoo on. You can check her out here..... HennaRising.

Maybe if I start thinking really hard - all the big thoughts will just smoosh out my hair. (said Donna the natural blonde.)

Things don't always go as you planned....

I had signed up for the Look Good.....Feel Better program for Monday but instead spent the morning getting my tire fixed and my car inspected. The two back tires aren't that old but for some reason they just could not keep air in them. Anthony's friend Mark noticed someone (I think it was me - cancergirl) drove on the tire while it was flat. Anthony filled it back up but it still popped on him just the same. Thank God for Goodyear - they were nice enough to squeeze me in. The guy Steve also was saavy enough to mention my other tire was going to need to be replaced and he noticed my inspection was due at the end of this month. Normally I'd feel like a scam was going to try and part me with my money but this time I felt grateful that he thought of things that I obviously wasn't. After the work was done and I got my bill - I told him I just started chemo and that I really did appreciate him bringing up the other extras as I didn't need to worry about them right now. Which I most likely would have had to if I hadn't taken care of them right then.

I'm a very lucky girl right now. I have a great support team in place. Better than I could ever have imagined. All the doctors and medical staff that I have dealt with for the most part have been exceptionally nice and helpful. (Don't bring up the misplaced appt with Sandy...) My family and friends have been extra supportive especially Sandy with her endless patience so far with all my visits. I admit to being a bit superstitious about wanting her there when I go for new appointments. People tell me I'm brave and courageous when many times I've felt like crying and stomping my foot "NO!" The girls I work with are always concerned and I can feel them behind me saying Go Donna Go. (Or more recently "Are you sure you're supposed to be doing that?")

Mainly though I feel like I need to go through this cancer treatment like my mom would have if they had actually found her cancer in time to treat it. I know my mother was brave while they did their tests. I know now how it feels to step up and let someone do something that you know will hurt you but it's something you've got to do. At least I know why they are doing what they do and it's not just random tests and biopsys like they're rummaging around in a drawer to see what they can find. There's a point to my treatment and I know what it is. My mother didn't have that. What my mother did have and what I hope to keep is her sense of humor. It's definately something I'm proud of when people say I remind them of her. (The cankles are a whole nother story.)

Over the Mountains - Gander Mountain that is.....

For the uninitiated - Gander Mountain is a store!!! Hello Doreen - it is NOT an actual mountain.

I'm sorry but sometimes the poor girl just doesn't know. If the zip code isn't 14626 or have a slot machine in it she just doesn't know..... We love her anyway. Especially since she and Saint Vinnie went to Sears and got me some really cool Breast Cancer gear. I used my new bag to tote my "stuff" to chemo. The nurses were amazed and loved it!

But Sandy and I did take our requisite trip to Gander Mountain after I have some type of major event. You know like right after breast surgery and now right after my first chemo round. lol Actually they said the chemo wouldn't hit right away and other than feeling a bit tired and having to wander thru the gun section to find a rest room to pee I was fine. Fine enough to get new shoes. ;) wink wink lol I had to - I absolutely had to. I've been eyeballing them forever! My dad thinks they are uglier than sin but they have holes in the side and they have a closed toe (a must for work.) Ready--- I found a link to them from Amazon. Keen Newport H2 *PS I just read in my chemo book that I should flush the toilet twice for the first 48 hours. Oops. Sorry Gander.

Speaking of chemo. I was worried. They could tell I was worried and popped me an Ativan shortly after taking me back. I tried to get one for Sandy but I guess they felt she should bring her own.

My big fear as I mentioned yesterday was some kind of pain or bodily function that I couldn't control. I think control sums up my approach to things. I try to control as much as I can but then eventually give up and just let things happen. As you can imagine this was much easier once they gave me the Ativan. :) I still have the feeling that I'm waiting for the hammer to drop. They say that the 3rd day it may hit you. That would be tomorrow. Yikes. I'm trying to do my laundry today so I can be ready for work next week. Yes, I plan on working. I have to see what they can come up with for me. I work check-in at a doctor's office which would make it difficult to stay away from sick people. I'm wondering if I'm going to be banned to the basement. :) I'll feel like Cinderella. In the ashes........ No, Sandy, No I will not work in the creepy area......

Speaking of fairy tales, I had to pull the cancer card at work the other day. Somehow right in the middle of my tragedies - other people kept coming up with their own problems. Hmmph. I had to bring them all back to reality (Donna reality) and whip them into shape. I took Lina's tiara and she gave me her scepter and I basically told them all to quit their whining and I cured them with a wave of my healing scepter. Now they can properly concentrate on my tragedy. Jeez the things poor Cancer Girl has to go thru. (Did you see the comment from Susan about Cancer Girl and Chemo Dog - LOVE IT! - Works out great because then I can have some kind of radiation cat and none of the animals in the house will get jealous. You know how they are - needy little things want food and to be let outside all the time. Can't they see I have cancer....... Um, well if you knew my dog and cats you would know that - no - they really could care less as long as I can bend a wrist and fill their food dish. If I left the back door open even better - they'll let them selves out....

Maybe later if I'm still not hanging over the toilet bowl I'll write a little about the very nice people at Pluta and how I am planing on enjoying every little thing they have to offer.

I'm off to see the wizard...

Okay - I'm waiting for my sister to show up to whisk me off to chemo. First time. NERVOUS!!!! You bet.

I bought new sneakers yesterday. At first I wasn't going to wear them since I've been told you will start to associate even your clothing with chemo and ickness but what the hey. They are happy kind of sneakers (my favorite rocket dogs) with a little rainbow stripe. They also were on sale for $15 so if I only wear them for the next 3 months it's fine with me.

I have pictures from the big chemo hair adventure but for some reason they are not transferring from my phone to my flicker. I will try and work on that later.

Ugh feeling nauseous all ready. Think it's nerves.

Wait till I tell you what the girlies did for me yesterday. Pink things everywhere. Angels and goodies. Piink cupcakes. Thank God I like pink. :) Oh, we also went out to Distillery in Greece and I ate Cajun chicken wings. Hello Goodness. It could only be better if you wrapped it in bacon and dipped it in chocolate milk. (ha no that would be gross - stop it!)

Okay gotta go. Sandy is planning on a shopping trip to Gander Mountain after chemo. I heard I have a bit of time before the nausea sets in so I better limber up so we can shop, shop shop.

The time is now 8:40 PM. Approximately 12 hrs since I last posted. The chemo went much better than I expected. :) Of course I was expecting all kinds of crazy things (imagine that) like the chemo blowing a hole thru my heart or feeling a burn as it ripped thru my body or the ever embarrassing uncontrollable body function at the one moment the whole room is quiet. Knock on wood - none of those horror story things happened.

I was told that one of the drugs I get is red and that it's called the red devil and I will end up hating the color. Uhhh problem..... Red is my favorite color. It has always been my favorite color. Most of my things are red. Time to mentally make me remember why I love red. If you come across some red that will help please drop a comment to let me know.

They said I was given a steroid for some reason that I can't remember and that it would make me wired up a bit. Hmmm I do have laundry to do so I'm hoping it hits at just the right time. I think it was going to peak tomorrow and then I would be slammed with tiredness on Sunday. Can't wait. (HA)

Here is a list of things I want to do or need - any help appreciated...

• Ideas for some interesting hats for when the hair "most likely" will fall out in 2 weeks. All the ones in the book they gave me look like cancer hats. I'm thinking something a bit more stylish (you know me and style!)
• Henna Tattoo - I've gotten approval from Dr Yirinic to have a Henna tattoo put on my head. I don't know if anyone does this so if you know of anyone or anyone I can ask please let me know.
• I want to make a cancer and chemo doll. I've been into super heroes for a while so I'm basing it on them but ..... I'm stumped. I know what I want to do but I sit down and stare. I need some kind of inspiration.
• I need to start walking. I need to actually get my hiney out on the road and moving it. The problem is I really don't want to. I want to eat bon-bons and lay on the couch.

I think chemo brain is hitting all ready. I'm having to stop and think and as you all know that is something I really really hate to do..........