Hanging in there.....

I wish I had a picture of a cat hanging on by her little claws cuz that's what I feel like. You guys can all just imagine it and think awwwww in your head. Not that a little bald headed cat would cute. Creepy maybe but not so cute.

Physically I'm feeling better but emotionally having another mental shift. I'm pressuring myself that I have to work, I have to get Anthony ready for college, I have to clean the dang house...... you know all those daily things that don't go away just because you are busy dealing with something else.

I think this week has been a week of adjusting to how people view cancer patients. I think that alot of times it has nothing to do with the actual patient as it is with that particular person's feelings about cancer patients - if you know what I mean. I have been fortunate enough to meet many many people who are as supportive as can be. I really really appreciate that. Truly, Truly.

It's the people who have a problem that sort of throw me for a loop. I at times will put on my cloak of invisibility when I go out so I don't feel self-conscious. You know that mental armor that keeps you walking among the public when you really want to hide out because of that huge pimple on your chin etc. I don't know if my armor is somewhat settled or I'm just too old to give a damn but I actually kind of forget I don't look like my usual self. I was afraid people would look at me and automatically think "cancer" but I think the henna tattoo throws some of them off. But it's the people that act with some hostility towards cancer or act like "don't try to pull a fast one - so what you're going thru chemo - no free card here" that gives me a mental stumble.

If it was something clearly about me that was causing anger I can appreciate that. Not every one will appreciate my gloriousness - it's when the anger obviously has nothing to do with with me per se that I don't necessarily know how to deal with it. I come from a family that does not let you whine about anything. Brush it off you're fine rang freely thru my childhood. That makes me extra sensitive to people accusing me of using cancer/chemo as an excuse for ...... whatever. I don't think I am. At least I'm trying very hard not to. Aaaahhhhh - too much for chemo brain. I'll just keep putzing along. People need to deal with things their own way. I can only deal with my self my own way - if you know what I mean.

Ooops I think one of the claws slipped.............